Jealous
by MMBabefanmmm
Summary: Reflections and pondering about losing Stephanie. Based on the Labrinth song, titled "Jealous". I would recommend listening to the heartfelt rendition by Josh Daniels from the X Factor UK. A challenge from Miss M. A one shot.


**JEALOUS**

Looking through the wiper blades as they swipe the raindrops away, like silent teardrops from my heart, I look across the beach and wonder.

Is she really happy, truly happy?

Why couldn't she be with me?

What could I have done to make her happy … happier?

Why didn't she stay?

Why didn't she come back?

But like the wind that's sweeping across the shore, she's a free spirit. I've always known that … never really questioned that. Well, to be honest, I probably did, a bit … okay, a lot.

I tried my best not to change her.

I wanted the best for her.

I knew a lot of men who were jealous of me when she shared my space, my bed, my heart, my life. The macho in me basked in the glory of that knowledge.

I thought, if I let her go she would always come back to me … it worked before.

I wished her the best the world could give hoping that by releasing her she would always come back to me and all would be forgiven. No regrets.

Driving aimlessly apparently on automatic pilot, I had found myself staring out of the windscreen, here as I am now. Her favourite place, Point Pleasant, her place of solace has now become mine to ponder and think about her. This is not the first time I ventured here.

The wiper blades sweep a steady beat, like my heart, melancholy and gloomy like the weather outside. Is it raining where she is?

Pfft.

Another confession: I'm jealous of the rain that falls upon her smooth skin. I have to admit it. It sounds so petty, so lame but it's profoundly true.

A gust of wind swirled the dry sand near the sheltered edges of the parking lot. I am jealous of the wind as it ripples through her clothes and those wild curls. Oh, how I wish my hands were in her hair, caressing her face, tucking that wayward curl behind her ear as she looks up at me with those strikingly beautiful blue eyes.

Just then the sun sends a bright shaft of light slicing between the clouds and it glimmers on the water … a ray of sunshine. Yes, that radiant smile. I sigh deeply. Those eyes will haunt me for the rest of my life. Undeniably, she was a ray of sunshine in my dark life.

I had it all and took her for granted. I expected her to come running back to me, running back from the heartbreak and the misery. No regrets, just forgiveness. We had agreed.

Worst of all, I am jealous of the way she is happy without me. Evidently, I had underestimated her. I saw her, just last week, but she didn't see me. I was careful. She looked radiant and happy. Yes, very happy. I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh again.

How long had I been sitting here? How did I get here? Not aware of my surroundings again. That doesn't bode well. I'll have to make a more conscious effort to stay aware. The sun was going down and darkness was approaching. It's dusk, almost night … the twilight zone.

I did wish her the best as we parted, quite amicably. I was confident she would always return, that she missed me, needed me, wanted me and only me. Yeah, I wished her the best that the world could offer. Knowing that she is happy without me really hurts that my heart is aching. How could I be so stupid? Everyone knew we were meant to be. And I let her go. I keep beating myself up. I let her go. I can't get her out of my head. Was I not enough? Was I just too complacent? My expectations and demands were the cause of it all but she always came back. Not this time. Not anymore. I should have fought for her, fought for her heart. But everyone knew she was mine.

Darkness descends and a chill runs down my spine. Lifting the collar of my jacket, I turn the ignition on to bring some warmth into my car. Who keeps her warm?

As the sky clears and some stars emerge from behind the clouds, I sit and stare. I'm jealous of the nights as I lie alone in my bed reaching out beside me only to find a cool, empty place. I am jealous of the nights particularly, missing her warm inviting body snuggled up to mine, sometimes spooning her as we fall asleep. I'm jealous of the bed where she sleeps at night. I'm envious of the nights that I don't spend with her. Is there a warm body sharing that bed? I wonder next to whom she lays. Who is caressing her body, desiring and loving her, taking pleasure in her, giving her pleasure?

I'm jealous of the love she gets, the love that perhaps wasn't here. I didn't realise what a treasure I had with the gift of her love, at least, not until it was gone, she was gone. Now all I have left is emptiness, regret and despair. I can manage and survive the days. It's the nights that I find hard to bear. Sometimes I find myself here, at Point Pleasant watching the sun rise, thinking about her, hoping that she will appear and return to me.

I am so jealous of the mornings. To wake up beside her and touch her soft skin makes my heart jolt. How foolish I have been. Oh, to be able to see her sprawled in my warm bed, her wild hair all over the place and her warm body next to mine. What I would give to have that again.

Grabbing my keys, I climb out of the car and walk down to the beach, breathing in the clean sea air. Listening to the waves rolling onto the shore and washing away, away from the shore, I contemplate some more. With my hands in the sand I let it sift through my fingers slowly, the last grains captured by the soft breeze and swept away. Why did I let her slip through my hands?

But deep in my heart I know the answer. Have I been living in denial? This heartache is real but if you'd told me this would happen, I would have laughed in your face. She'll be back. She always comes back to me. However, not this time. I waited and waited. But deep down I already knew. Her car was no longer in the parking lot. Her apartment was empty. I had to see it with my own eyes. The proof hurts. The truth hurts. Seeing is believing, they say, but I did not want to see nor believe that she had gone, gone forever.

I saw it in her eyes, the way she looks up at him and smiles that beautiful smile. She loves him. And he loves her. I should be happy as I wished her the best. I had wished her the best and no regrets. Evidently it was not me. Manoso has won her heart, completely.

I am grieving for the love I have lost for the rest of my life.


End file.
